What if my teacher doesn’t like me?
Who will take care of me if I don’t feel well?
Can’t I just stay home?
Every fall, millions of American children begin a new school year with emotions ranging from excitement to dread to resignation. As parents, we anticipate that our children may have questions and concerns about going to school. Many of us, during our own childhoods, experienced that “butterflies-in-the-stomach” sensation as we strapped on our backpacks and shuffled to the bus stop. These mild to moderate feelings of anxiety are normal and to be expected.
However, for some children, leaving home causes more than the typical trepidation. According to the Surgeon General, approximately four percent of children and adolescents suffer from separation anxiety, a condition in which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment. For these children, the prospect of separating from home and parents can generate anxiety so extreme that it borders on unhealthy. So how does a parent know if a child’s level of angst is a cause for concern? And what actions should a worried parent take?
It is important to note that parents often respond to a child’s anxiety with behaviors that can prove more harmful than beneficial. Often our efforts to reassure our children actually worsen the condition by “feeding the fear.” So how can we help our children combat their anxiety in a way that will empower them and set them on the path of healthy thinking?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a treatment proven to be effective in overcoming anxiety disorders. Although CBT is generally overseen by a mental health professional, the therapy offers certain common sense tactics that parents can employ at home to alleviate a child’s separation anxiety.
Step One: Parents should monitor the situations that provoke an anxious response in their child. Keep a log detailing the date, the situation, the fear (as defined by the child), the behaviors manifested by the child, and the degree of anxiety. Encourage your child to specify what it is that he fears. For instance, is the child afraid to go to school or afraid to leave home? If she does not want to go to school, what does she fear? Is she afraid the bathrooms will be dirty? Is she nervous about talking aloud in class? By maintaining a written log, parents gain a better understanding of what it is that is causing the child’s fearful thoughts.
Step Two: Objectify the worry. Some children name it “Mr. Worrywart” or the “Worrybug.” Use this term when discussing the child’s anxiety. However, parents should avoid too much conversation about the fear itself; instead, if the child wants to talk about his fears, the focus should be on defining the situations that provoke anxiety.
Step Three: Identify and modify safety behaviors. Slowly begin to modify your own behaviors so that you are not feeding the “Worrybug.” Avoid excessive reassurance. Do not tell your child “Everything is going to be okay because I will never be late.” When you make such a statement, you imply that things might not be okay if you were to be late.
Step Four: Gradually expose your child to the situation he fears. From the log developed in Step One, you have pinpointed the situations that trigger your child’s anxiety. For example, if she is concerned that you will be late picking her up from school, ask her how scary it might be if you were to arrive a minute late. Introduce the concept of a “fear thermometer” that the child can use to gauge her level of anxiety. Together with your child, decide on a reasonable number of minutes that you will arrive late for pick-up. Begin slowly and within the child’s comfort range. Perhaps, the first day, you both agree that you will arrive two minutes late. When you do arrive late, encourage your child to measure her degree of anxiety on her fear thermometer. Continue to arrive two minutes late every day until the child experiences no concern at your tardiness. At first, be prepared for slightly increased anxiety for a brief period. Over time, however, through this gradual and consistent exposure, the child confronts his own fear and breaks the pattern of distorted thoughts.
Remember that all of us experience worries, and that varying levels of anxiety exist on a continuum. The process outlined above provides real-life strategies that you, as parents, can employ to lead your child out of anxiety-based thinking and its behaviors. However, if you feel that your child’s fears are interfering with his ability to function on a daily basis, seek the guidance of a professional. A mental health expert, experienced in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, can provide you and your child the guidance and the tools you need to overcome even the most severe anxiety disorders.